I was diagnosed positive in July of 2004 and i was a bit worried. I could have been devastated had it not been that I have an open and curious mind - that keeps on reading, searching and researching social issues for my own good.  

I overstayed my visa in USA after graduating with my MBA in 2003. By then it was obvious going back home (Zimbabwe) was not advisable, so I had to stay in USA. According to their laws of seeking asylum, it was too late for me to file papers - I then went into survival mode I got married to Tiffany Smith, a marriage of convenience (which turned out to be a marriage of inconvenience !). 

Earlier on, when I was a student at the University of Toledo I attended clinic at a rate of about twice a year with a minor stomach ache or head ache like any normal person. I often wondered though, why the doctors and nurses at this clinic were so enthusiastic to get me tested for HIV. But since I had a choice - to accept testing or to refuse, - me being a well read "sceptic" I refused. When I entered the marriage of convenience, they had me. If you enter marriage with a USA citizen and you are a foreigner, testing for HIV is compulsory - I was no longer protected by the same law of freedom of choice. It was as if the law was to protect Tiffany, herself a mother of three kids with three different men ( a virgin by American standards) - and she had confessed to me of having had more that 15 sexual partners in the past ten years.

Tiffany was in dire financial problems and I was in a mess regarding my visa status. She had been my sexual partner - no string attached, for a while, sex with no protection from 2003. We came to an understanding, I needed help with my papers, she needed help with her finances and $3000.00 later the deal was settled. She officially became my wife in July 2004. She had to be tested, the law demanded it ! My results came first. When I came positive all hell broke loose (that is another story on its on). Her results came back negative.

I was handed over for counseling and to start treatment. Doctor Haig Donabedian of the Medical College of Ohio - Division of Infectious Diseases is the top man in Ohio on HIV/AIDs in Ohio. I am glad, even at this stage the American law does not force an individual to take medication, but it did take away a lot of my conjugal rights. They encouraged me to take the latest medicines and to hit the virus hard at its earliest stages of infection. I argued with Dr Donabedian - because logically having been diagnosed in 2004 did not automatically mean I was in early stages of infection. My CD4 count was pegged at 650 at that time and I demanded to know from their calculations how long I could have been infected if they knew the rate at which the CD4 cells are depleted per given time. The answers I received bordered on guess work and that did not go down well with me. The usual answer was "It depends on an individual , bla bla bla bla - - - "  I refused medication and suggested we waited until we could determine the rate of depletion of my CD4 cells so we could extrapolate backwards to see when I might have been infected by the virus. In his own words the Dr had told me that within three years or four years, I was going to die. I was going to have skin rashes followed by a loss of weight, then an opportunistic disease was going to finish me off.

After 1989 following my father's death, maturity had hit me pretty fast, my days of womanising had ended and I had become a one man woman. A backward mathematical extrapolation, given a depletion rate of my CD4 count was essential, because that way I could figure out, who among my past girlfriends had probably passed on the virus to me. 

Following a forced marriage situation in 1991 that resulted in one baby, (My lovely daughter I have not seen in ten years) I had only three sexual partners by 2003. By 2005 after four more HIV tests and pressurising Dr Donabedian to give me a rate of depletion (I was serious this time because we had a sample and my life style has not changed much since 1989, and i had the right to know.) The doctor gave me a clumsy approximation which is a blanket depletion rate - 75 per year. If I used the fact that a healthy human being has on average 1200 CD4 cells and given that depletion rate, and that by 2005 my CD4 count averaged 450, (1200 - 450)/75 = 10. I MUST HAVE BEEN INFECTED FOR THE PAST TEN YEARS. But then how was I to know, perhaps my natural number of CD4 count is only 800, or 600 of 750, or 400, who knows - how was I to know. I hate the guess work associated with this phenomenon. I gave up calculating.

Meantime my ex-girlfriend Sekai (Michigan USA) of 1999 to 2003 had gotten married to another guy and had been tested for HIV in early 2004 - she was negative. By the end of 2006 Sekai had two healthy baby boys. We had continued "seeing" each other soon after she was married up to the time I discovered I was HIV positive and I wanted to Marry Tiffany for the papers. By the end of 2007 Sekai had another  healthy baby girl. I have no medical records pertaining to the mother and the children, but I have kept in touch with Sekai who is always in good spirit.

When I landed in Canada 31 July 2006, I claimed refuge from the Zimbabwean turmoil. One basic requirement was a medical test, of which testing for HIV among other things, was mandatory. In Canada I was found positive with a CD4 count of 675. As to how my CD4 count had gone from 450 to 675, only the Lord knows. Dr Michael Gough of the Toronto, St Michaels Hospital, Ontario Canada, took over my case. I requested to be put on medication at once (just testing them) and the smart doctor refused saying by his own words we had to wait until my CD4 count dropped to below 250. Over the two successive years between 2006 and 2008, being tested every three months my, CD4 count fluctuated between 400 and 475 while I lived a healthy life.

November 2008 came with a layoff from my factory job, and knowing very well that in spite of my education I was not going to get any job in the financial sector  - depression hit me (Canada can be a very segregative country - it is actually the home of apartheid). I had head aches and fevers and mouth sores. I am from a warm country and winter does not go down well with me. Yet the medical fraternity knows "Mental stress provokes production of the hormone cortisol and excessive cortisol causes reductions in T-cells, a condition known as lymphocytopenia". Here I was 5 years after graduating with an MA Economics and MBA Finance - from USA an accredited USA University, but can not secure a job in my intended field . In countries like these such educational credentials for a black person are a curse while stress and depression are companions. What a wasted life , wasted brains!

When I went for my quarterly medical test, results came back - CD4 Count: 350. I had frustrated their expectations for nearly three years. But the staff that had been dealing with me were actually very happy to see my CD4 fall to this level (what has happened to humanity?). The Doctor ordered that I go on medication immediately. I asked him why we should not wait until my CD4 count dropped to 250? The smart doctor told me that the establishment had long since revised their medication-threshold CD4 count upwards to 350. I did what the doctor ordered and on the 1st of March 2009 I started on Atripla, the latest drug on the market. I am going through hell because of the drug and have requested to see the doctor so he can remove me from it.

This time around I could not refuse - primarily because I am waiting to become a Canadian permanent resident and refusing medication could jeopardise my chances. End of March 2009, in two weeks of consuming the drug, my CD4 remained disappointingly at 365 while my viral load fell from 40 000 (forty thousand) to 54 (fifty four). My next test is in July 2009. I personally feel like I am a guinea, pig with no rights at all . I can not refuse to be poisoned. If I had a choice I could simply run away from this madness.

Mean time I re-established contact with Tiffany after we went through a divorce, since she proved unwilling to help me with my papers. Tiffany went through the six months window period of which she was expected to show the virus in her blood - she came out negative. They put a two year window on her and she still came out negative - only the Lord only knows why I am positive and what it means.

ONLY THOSE WHO HAVE LEARNED TO LIVE WITH DISAPOINTMENT WILL CATCH A FEW MOMENTS OF HAPPINESS IN THIS WORLD

Joe Bingini is a pseudonym. Names of doctors and places are authentic, other names have been changed.